What Keeps Me From His Love?

I find myself studying pastries behind the glass counter after dinner tonight. it's late. and I chose peace and quiet over friends tonight. just me, my book and God. There isn't a feeling in this world that can come close to honest and real communication with the father. Or at least, there's nothing I've found.

Had the best time with the parents for dinner. It's so nice when i can appreciate what they are to me and how much they've worked just to provide all these years. They really are something else.

I sit and write now thinking about the best times in my life. What were they like? What made them so great? And how does this moment stack up against them?

They were when i wasn't controlled by my mind. that's my answer. not remembering any feeling or situation or event.

I was most happy when i wasn't worried.

The events come now...freshman year in college. setting fire to my couch at the river and lighting pipe bombs on the edge of the cliff. getting my truck stuck in the rock pits near Tahlequah. Needing 5 guys to lift it out.

Laughing all the way.

So what controls me now? Why do I insist in my later life to be controlled by fear? What is it that makes me need to worry so much?

I'm more busy these days for sure. and sometimes i fight that by being lazy. It's a defense mechanism. because i feel if i actually went with my drive, i would be the world's most anxious and productive person.

Maybe that's why i feel the way i do about the American Dream. Why I hold the working man in contempt. Why I'm such a rebel with things I run headlong at every chance to go against the stream.

And now, I've given my heart over to the father. and things are changing. I see my personality taking a different shape. Slowly. Not dramatically.

Again I come back to the question...why so much worry? Am I trying to protect myself against something? If so...what is it?

Pain? yes.

Pain from what?

Huge Pause.

LOVE.

Oh wow. Oh Oh wow. That's it. Oh how my heart drops. I stare at the pastries to fend the blow....

I've spent quite a bit of time this week alone. Searching my soul. Dealing with some pretty heavy things like God's love. And offering him into the places that no one's ever been before. Not even him it seems.

And some of that can be overwhelming. So I take another sip from my cup.

And close the book. Take a walk.

I gave him the right to rearrange my personality based on his love at the doctor's office.

I pleaded with him to heal my anxiety when my house was broken into.

And now I sit patiently knowing the hound of heaven busted down my door. shook up the place. and created a nice lasting spot.

But my heart breaks in two knowing all this time I've been running away from Love. Afraid of it. Deathly afraid.

Why? I don't know yet. Not at the moment. This is pretty deap. Heavy. Afraid to ask him more. Just really wanting to come close and ask for forgiveness and sit next to the healing for a bit. To let my heart embrace something nice. Something my head already knows is the only true north.

I take to scripture quickly...

Psalm 17

Wondrously show your lovingkindness,
O Savior of those who take refuge at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of the eye.
Hide me in the shadow of your wings.

It's clear to me now...This is not a bible study any longer. It's a fight for joy. And for some reason, I think I'm gonna be alright.

Thank you for your lovingkindness. I may not understand it. And not know what it's really like. Thank you for letting me know what's in the way. For taking your hand and crashing in. Disrupting me enough to see it. And setting up shop. That is what I want. Forever. To accept and know and walk in the love you have for your children. Forever.