warm day in december

The fall wasn't finished with whatever it is that happens in the quiet places in the universe, overhead and above, beneath and through the state of Oklahoma.  Winter sliced in half.  And today, we're walking in 70 degrees of an early October memory.  
Sometimes it takes a slap of something out of the ordinary to get you back to the place that drives you...that holds your deepest desires.  And with a movement of the heart, that place comes so naturally.  And you wonder, what in all the world has kept me from this freedom and this unbelievable life for so long?  As if in the split of second with the flash of sound or a sudden burst of change in the weather, life comes so close...and sits itself back in its place... welcoming you with open arms.
I don't know much.  And sometimes I wish I knew less.  Sometimes I wish I could just live without the need to think things through.  To be whole and not in need to bare the burden of patching the wounds, directing my mind over hurdles, finding answers to questions that seem to linger with age.  This morning at church, I sat in the back where there were no chairs.  I crossed my legs on the floor and leaned my back against the wall.  Couldn't see the preacher.  I felt like a kid.  And in that moment, nothing distracted me from gaining a glimpse of my soul.  I was unimpaired.  And open for the first time in weeks.  To the words and the guidance of the creator. 
To be loved.  Accepted.  And cradled in the most intimate of ways.  That is a memory.  And a burning fire that has yet to be put out.  Despite my intolerance to the popular midwest church...even when I judge others who proclaim to love Christ and walk as if might have met Hitler and found him a decent man.  Despite the secret longing of my heart to deny God in everything that requires patience and waiting.  Sometimes, even in those moments when I walk into the universe and boldly proclaim my presence in the middle of it.  When I want so desperately to define the God I know as the one that allows me to create Him as I see fit.  In my moments with Israel, I see it fit to build an image of someone in charge, but subject to my selfishness.
But even in those moments when I scream for autonomy away from the God who came before me, pleading for His mercy to stay away, that simple burning fire deep inside my bones does not blow out.  And as I sit on my butt, criss cross apple sauce, I come to terms with my own disobedience.  And I realize, even the wise men could not return to Herod.  Something about the Father.  Something about His son.  Made them worship.  And give up a life's mission to find the science, the math, the philosophy in the heavens and beyond to walk back to their homeland on a different route than they came.  To walk away.  And give up the things that had defined their professional careers.  All because of a child.  And a dream.  And a voice in that dream that told them to get away.  To not return.
Could the entire secret of life be reduced to this?  Can it really be as the prophets foretold?  Can we do nothing more in our pursuits than be happy in the moment, satisfied in our work and in the creator who is good enough to demand our happiness in Him?
I am so thankful that even I cannot walk so far to this side or to that to get away from the beauty and the purpose of God.  That He could come to me in my arrogance and in my contempt, and brush the hair on my head, wipe my nose, set me down, and clean the film from my eyes.  To turn the burn up and give me a want that is not defined in the world...a passion to know Him and to walk hand in hand and to listen to what He has to say.
I don't know much.  And I like it that way.  I am a child.  Compared to the wisdom that guides the heavens and makes the wind and sets the creatures in the ocean to their secret course.  Sometimes there are words that have no form, but still represent a greater thing that the earth and all the living things within it operate under.  And those words echo a great Law.  And the freedom that stands upon the highest of mountains.  And calls out in the wind, although it is not in the wind.  And moves the storm, although it is not in the storm.  And sets the sun on the horizon...although it is not in the sun or on the horizon. 
There are words that represent the greatest secret, hidden from the wisdom of this age...That speaks to the children who have been tired and weary of riding along with the heard.
Come to me all yeah who are weak and heaven laden, for I will give you rest.  That's music to my tired body.  That's the best thing I think I could possibly want to hear.